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Highlander - The Source
(Before the opening, we get a warning saying "WARNING: The following sequence may be the most awesome thing to ever precede a rant on a game or film. Your head may explode." After that, we do the usual opening, then cut to a clip of the extended ending from Highlander 2) Spoony (vo): Can you believe the Highlander series even survived Highlander 2? (Clips of Highlander 1, 3, and Endgame are shown) The first movie was so good we continued to watch shitty Highlander movie after shitty Highlander movie, even though it was clear early on there was no future in this. With every sequel, with every retcon, this series was just gonna keep hurting us. Zeist goon (from Highlander 2): MacLeod! Spoony: (holding a dvd of Highlander 2) Highlander fans are like those hillbilly domestic abuse victims you see on COPS who never press charges despite their husbands' repeatedly punching them in the eyes, always screaming, "I can't leave him, I love him!" (Picture of the Special Edition of Highlander 2) Spoony (vo): The Highlander series is the cinematic equivalent of herpes and its fans, the kind of people who enjoy picking at scabs. (Poster for Highlander: Endgame) Not a good combination. But at least this was the worst of it, you know? (Clip of Ramirez stopping the fan with magic) We took comfort in the fact that no matter what, this is as bad as it would ever get. It was all uphill from here. Spoony: But no. I'm just gonna throw this out there, and you're not gonna believe me. Cause it's not possible. I still can't really believe it, but I'm gonna say it anyway. (now showing the dvd for Higlander: The Source) Highlander: The Source is a worse fucking movie than (holding the dvd of...) Highlander 2: The Quickening! And that...that is not a statement one can make lightly because [Highlander 2] is the archetypical bad fucking movie, and it's not even the worst movie in the series. You'd think if there were worse movies in the world floating around, you'd have fucking heard about 'em by now! (The poster for Highlander: The Source is shown) Spoony (vo): But there's a very good reason why you haven't. You never saw it. Hell, you probably weren't even aware it existed until I just now told you. I wasn't aware until I saw it in the bargain bin at a Wal-Mart about a year ago. (Another poster for the movie is shown) This movie was never screened in theaters. Hell, it wasn't even direct to video. It was a direct to SciFi Channel original movie. The same company that makes movies of the same prestige and caliber as (poster of...) Mansquito. Then as if you weren't already ashamed enough to waste your weekends watching shit like (German dvd cover of...) Frankenfish, they started to wonder aloud. Could we possibly make it so that every single thing about this channel is ridiculous and embarrassing right down to the name--(Now showing the SyFy logo) there! Honestly, it really is that extra little bit. It's not enough that I'm about to watch (poster of...) Knights of Bloodsteel, but add in the fact that I'm watching it on the "Siffie" Channel, that really makes me yearn to wrap my lips around a fucking glock. Spoony: Ugh, so where was I? Oh yeah, Highlander: The Farce. Nobody saw this shit. Hell, when I bought it, I didn't watch it. It sat on my shelf for over a year and I'm one of the biggest fans of the original movie you will ever find. The only reason I did eventually end up watching it is because I was doing research to review (holding the Highlander 2 dvd) this movie. I almost stopped that review before scripting, because Highlander: The Source pissed me off even more than The Quickening. Oh yes! This movie did more damage to the franchise (clip of the Zeist scene) than Zeist. And I can tell you still don't believe me. So get ready to have Highlander ruined for you all over again just like the first time. (dropping the Highander 2 dvd to reveal The Source) Because it's time to go back to The Source. (We cut to black where the words pop up as they're spoken) Female narrator: Immortals. Spoony (vo): Oh fuck you! Spoony: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just get a little emotionally invested in the series, and I just want it to stop sucking! Female narrator: They can only be killed with the loss of their head. They gain more power by killing other immortals. They cannot have children. Spoony (vo): (imitating the narrator) They're aliens from the planet Zeist, but nobody likes to talk about it. This series hasn't been relevant since Sean Connery jumped ship like the first white bitch off the Titanic. (Showing the opening narration from Highlander 1) Speaking of, quite a step down from Sean Connery's iconic intro. See, already I got a big problem with this movie. (back to the other opening narration) The presence of this card baffles me. It's literally a list, lacking any poetry or creative flair. Basically spelling out like cliffnotes of Highlander for fucking idiots. Is this necessary? If I'm watching a direct to video Highlander flick, I'm pretty much a diehard fan and know this shit already. Nobody's gonna use this movie as a jumping on point. And what about no fighting on holy ground? Did we forget about that as one of the defining traits of immortals? Wouldn't you argue that's far more relevant to the precedings than no children? (We now get to the opening title of the movie) Spinal Tap: No one knows who they were. Or... Spoony (vo): Oh shit. Sorry, I already made that joke. (We're now in an urban city somewhere in Eastern Europe) Narrator: The world has fallen into chaos and decay. Spoony (vo): Yeah okay, Galadriel, thanks. Oh man, another dystopian future? It's even opening like Highlander 2. Jeez, this apocalypse looks like it was a bad one, too. Look, you can't even go 10 yards without running into a flaming barrel. Narrator: He's on a quest to find the Source. A holy grail of peace and salvation to some immortals. Spoony: And even though it's a legend well known to all immortals that rules their very destinies, we...really didn't think it was worth mentioning till about six movies in? Narrator: Many believe it does not exist at all. Like Duncan MacLeod. (Duncan is shown perched on a roof) An immortal who thinks the Source is a fairy tale. (A shot of a woman walking down the street is shown) Duncan is the only man I've ever loved. Spoony (vo): And you are? (clip of Faith from Highlander: Endgame) My first thought goes to Faith, the other love of Duncan's life that was suddenly and inexplicably railroaded into the plot of the last movie, Highlander: Endgame, but that would make too much goddamn sense when we could just radically rewrite and backfill Duncan's entire backstory for no reason. Again. Narrator: We haven't spoken in months, but sometimes I sense his presence watching me. (a girl screaming in the distance is heard) Protecting me. Spoony (vo): See, he's always watching me in these hilariously bad composite shots squatting on a roof like he's fucking Batman or some shit. Why is he up here? Doesn't he have something better to do? Well apparently Duncan's taken up fighting crime on the mean streets of Slovakia when he notices by chance two thugs about to rape a screaming woman in an alley. (Cut to a clip from the attempted rape scene in Robocop when Robo comes to the rescue) Robocop: Let the woman go, you are under arrest. Spoony (vo): I think the purpose of that scene was to establish that Duncan is a badass and I was able to figure that out because thinking back, this scene was also used to staggering effectiveness in, um, oh, what movie was it? Oh yes, every single fucking superhero movie ever made! You know what might've been a better way to establish Duncan's fighting prowess with a sword? (Clip of the first swordfight in Highlander 1) Put him in a fucking swordfight! Oh, but I'm sorry, we can't do that. (back to the movie) See, Duncan's in his endless brooding phase and he's renounced his sword again for probably the tenth time now. Probably over that girl that keeps talking that we've never met before. The opening swordfight really comes when this guy, who we also don't know and have never met before breaks into this place we also don't know. One thing I do know is they really need to fire the janitorial staff. He breaks into the building with all the style I usually demonstrate whenever I try to play Hitman (Picture of Hitman: Blood Money) and get detected almost immediately. Security guard: Stop! Zai: No! No no! (he's then shot by the guard) Spoony (vo): Hey whoa whoa! Jesus Christ, man! He's fucking serious about guarding that elevator, dude! (imitating the guard) Holy shit, he's about to cast a spell on me! (normal voice) Wounded from the gunfire, he collapses into the elevator which apparently sensed what floor he wanted to go to since he never fucking pushed a button. When he emerges, his wounds are already healed because, you know, he's immortal. (Zai then takes his sword out, a dadao, and stabs the button) Ah-ha. That will in no way hinder the guard's ability to call the elevator from the ground floor and will in fact hinder my own escape. This done, he approaches some computer in some conference room and finds it locked. Zai: (speaking into the microphone) There can be only one. Computer: Login confirmed. Spoony: No. You didn't. That didn't just happen. Zai: There can be only one. Spoony: Where...the fuck...is he!? Please, tell me! I didn't leave anything out! Spoony (vo): He approaches some nameless building we've never seen before, collapses in an elevator, emerges on some random floor into a conference room he had no idea would be there, approaches the computer that presumably runs the fucking A/V projector or some shit, which happens to be voice locked. Because, you know, it's the future. A simple alphanumeric password would just be fucking impossible to crack. But why is it locked with the Highlander catchphrase? Who owns thisbuilding and programmed the computers this way? This is never explained! And further, why does the voice program recognize the words, but not reject the unfamiliar voice of the unauthorized person in the building? You know, like voice recognition software can do in present day? I don't know, maybe the password was so he could call Methos and Film Brain (Reggie Weller's the character's name) and join their video conference. But if so, why did he need to come to this fucking building? Reggie: Over the past week, the planets of our solar system have moved outside their orbital paths and are coming into alignment. I mean, do you know how unusual that is? Spoony: Ahem. Impossible would be the word I'd choose to describe it. Unusual is the Dallas Cowboys winning or finding a watchable episode of Star Trek Voyager. Unusual is not whole planets radically shifting their orbital paths. Spoony (vo): For instance, a woman wandering outside at night and witnessing several planets and the celestial alignment, which are all bigger than the moon by now? That is impossible! Methos: But that could just be orbital wobble. (Spoony is stymied by that phrase, mouthing "Orbital wobble?") Methos: But that could just be orbital wobble. (Spoony still can't believe it, mouthing "orbital fucking wobble") Reggie: Orbital wobble is one thing, but this...this is outside the laws of celestial mechanics! Spoony: (double facepalming) Orbital wobble? Really? Really? You're just gonna throw a term like that out there like he knows what the fuck he's talking about. Do you even know what orbital wobble is? Dr. Insano: I do! Spoony: Shut up! I googled it, bitch. (A graphic is shown of what orbital wobble is) Spoony (vo): It's an optical illusion wherein the elliptical paths of planets in the system where the center of mass is...you know what? Fuck it. (back to the movie) This isn't it. And you'd think a motherfucker who's over 6000 years old might've picked up a book on this at some point and would know better than to say something this fucking stupid! Spoony: (holding the dvd case) You can't go ten seconds without finding some brand new way of horrifying me to my fucking core. There's so much stupid shit going on so quickly in this fucking movie I can't even stop to explain how stupid the stupid shit is without four other different monuments to insanity being built simultaneously. You can't possibly keep this up! We're only eight minutes into this movie, and you cannot possibly top orbital wobble! I-- (And just to spite him, we're now treated to a blonde priest with a pompadour) Giovanni: Zai, where is the location of the Source? (Spoony just looks on in wide-eyed horror, dropping the dvd case) Giovanni: Tell us what you've found. Spoony: Excuse me. (He then leaves his room, goes downstairs to the kitchen, opens up a cupboard, taking out a bottle of crazy pills and heading back upstairs. He opens it up and puts two pills in his hand....only to pour the rest of the bottle all over him!) Spoony (vo): Well this is it. You might as well just stop the movie here because I swear to you this is the only thing you'll remember about it till the day you die. (back to Giovanni) This guy, with this hair, is the tombstone on the Highlander franchise. I mean, (clip of the Zeist goons) Highlander 2 had these guys, and (clip of Highlander: Endgame's villain, Jacob Kell, played by Bruce Payne) Highlander: Endgame had this guy, and somehow, without even saying a word, (back to Giovanni) this guy, with a single hairdo, manages to once and for all destroy the slightest shred of coherency and dignity the series ever held. This is it. It's over. I mean, are you kidding me with this guy? Who the fuck is he? He's supposed to be some kind of Catholic priest? Or what, a Cardinal? In what fucking bull cockamamie reality does this pasty, swishy, Jersey Shore motherfucker, with this hair, attain any level of authority in the Catholic church? Dude looks like (picture of...) Billy Idol had a child with (picture of David Bowie as...) Ziggy fucking Stardust. There's so much hairgel in this mohawk it looks like he gets hair tips from fucking Wakka. (showing a picture of a cosplayer) Is all this necessary? Do you believe for a second this guy is having a conversation with a holographic video conferencing rig set up in the middle of a main worship area of a fucking cathedral? Okay, when you're doing worse composite shots than me, stop making movies! Spoony: Okay now, again, you're not gonna believe this, but this movie has not yet begun to suck. Giovanni: Where is the location of the Source? Zai: (taking a paper out) I've written the coordinates down on this map. The coordinates are...the coordinates...on...(turns out the map is useless since it's shot with bullet holes and blood, making him throw it away) Spoony (vo): (imitating Zai) Oh goddamn it I knew I shouldn't have written the location of the Source on a Carl's Jr. wrapper. (normal voice) Now with all this confusion with the hair and the celestial alignment crap, I lost track of the entire purpose of this scene. Why, oh why, did this guy break into this building? It's a simple question. Why the fuck is he here? Why did he come here? To hack the computer? Well he doesn't actually access any data from the computer. He already has the information on the map. He just uses the computer to contact Methos and tell him about the Source. Spoony: Dude, it's called a cell phone. Or failing that, go to a Starbucks and send a fucking e-mail. And don't even fucking tell me those didn't survive the apocalypse. It's 2010, and my toilet's wired to the internet to rate my fucking turds on Twitter. Spoony (vo): And even if there's been a complete and total personal telecommunications breakdown and clearly there hasn't been, if the fucking Vatican is wired for Kinect video chat, but even if there has been, just walk in, smile and ask the security guard if you could use his phone. Anyway this whole time Zai's by (we zoom in on a mysterious figure, but the movie blurs and focuses quickly on him as well as several shots) ahh, a Nine Inch Nails video. I mean Voldo from SoulCalibur. I mean, uh, Inverse Pyramid Head? No, this is the villain known only as the Guardian of the Source, or as I like to call him, Evil Bondage Pelican Head Man. And why does he wear such a ridiculous thing? (Zai is shown swinging at the Guardian's neck, only for it to deflect his sword) Well because it's a huge piece of armor that can easily deflect decapitation attempts. Spoony: Which actually I have to admit, when you're an immortal who can only die when his head is cut off, is pretty damn ingenious. I mean you'd do it. I'd wear a kicky Doctor Who scarf made of kevlar, but point is, the whole neck armor thing is pretty clever. Spoony (vo): So naturally after he kills Zai by unfairly using the armor to his advantage, he never puts it on for the rest of the movie because now that we've firmly established the armor for the audience, there's no reason to keep it around. Spoony: Of course, at this point in the movie your common uneducated moviegoer is bound to ask themselves several questions like, uh, why? What the fuck was the point of that? Was the screenwriter a four-year old? What waste of gooseshit was that about? It's actually a well known foreshadowing technique in literature known as Chekhov's Gun. I believe it goes something like, uh, (picture of Chekhov and Uhura from Star Trek in a motivational poster. The caption below says "Chekhov's Gun" ...is the literary technique whereby an element is introduced early in the story, but whose significance doesn't become clear until later on.") if you say in the first chapter there's a rifle hanging on the wall, you should use it immediately to kill a pointless, peripheral side character the audience barely knows or cares about and then throw it out the window, never to mention it again in the second or third chapters. (Zai swings at the Guardian, but he's just too fast for him, making a strange noise when he lands from a backflip) Spoony (vo): Ha ha, did the Guaridan just make a "Down With The Sickness" sound? (The sound is played again, then body slams Zai through the conference table) He puts Zai through the table which breaks with a remarkably even pattern down the middle. It's almost like it was precut that way. (The Guardian has Zai's sword in his hands) Guardian: There can be only Me! (He then slices Zai's head off, energy shooting from the body as the Guardian goes through the Quickening) The Quickening! Spoony (vo): (imitating the Guardian) For those of you who have never seen a Highlander movie, this is the Quickening! (The windows in the room blow out before the tower also blows up, seen from a distance. Shots of it falling to the ground are shown) Oh crap crap crap! I didn't think this throouuuughhh! (normal voice) Duncan investigates the destroyed tower as it was kinda hard for anyone to miss that particular Quickening. (Duncan sees the Guardian standing amidst the flaming rubble before the Guardian rushes over to him) Guardian: This is the end of time! Spoony: Um, okay? Was not expecting that from him. Duncan MacLeod: What are you? Guardian: I'm the Guardian. Duncan MacLeod, you have squandered your precious gift! Spoony: Ouch. Um, maybe you shouldn't point out this guy has a better Scottish accent than Adrian Paul. Guardian: You could have ruled the world. And you pissed it away. Duncan: Have a nice day. (he turns to walk away from him) Guardian: The female! Anna. (That makes Duncan turn back around) Duncan: What's Anna got to do with this? Spoony: And who the fuck is Anna? Duncan: What's Anna got to do with this? Guardian: Everything. Spoony (vo): Wow, you're really going to stick with this performance, are ya? This is like what you'd get if you cast Jim Carrey as the Kurgan. (Suddenly Duncan pulls out his katana from what may as well be hammerspace to fight the Guardian) Spoony (vo): Okay, now where did he get that? He just pulled that sword right out of his ass! Already you're probably noticing this movie is nothing like the previous Highlander films. The fight choreography looks like they just captured video from Mortal Kombat 2. I was about to say it looks cartoony, (clip of the animated series) but even the cartoon showed more restraint than this. (The Guardian then speeds around Duncan, the two blocking each other's attacks rapidly) I almost wish this had anime speed lines as backgrounds. (the background is blurred as it circles around Duncan) Hell, it very nearly does in this scene. There's no dramatic tension or weight here. No character or emotion in these battles. No suspense or opportunity for these actors to give a performance. We're just watching animators masturbate all over Highlander's face. It's a fucking disgrace. Duncan turns out to be no match for the Guardian's super speed because that's all they could come up with at this point, (The Guardian gets a slice at Duncan's cheek before throwing him onto the ground) turning him into the Flash. Until Duncan's buddy, Joe Dawson, rolls to the rescue because Joe happens to be in the same rat's ass corner of Eastern Europe as Duncan, and owns an American model truck there. (The Guardian is about to stab Duncan until Joe hits him with his truck, sending him flying) Guardian: Hello Joe! Spoony: You know, if they were trying to use this movie as a pilot episode for a Highlander sitcom, I'd tune in. (The scene repeats) Guardian: Hello Joe! (a laugh track is heard) Joe: Get in the car. Duncan: Get out of here, Joe. Joe: (takes out a gun) I don't have time for this bullshit! Get in the car! Duncan: What are you doing? (he's then shot by Joe, knocking him out. The laugh track plays again) Spoony (vo): So much for Watchers not interfering, huh? Duncan: You're a Watcher, you can't interfere. Joe: I just said "fuck it." (Duncan reaches for Joe's arm and pulls the sleeve down revealing the Watcher tattoo) Duncan: You took an oath! Joe: There is no Watcher organization anymore. Spoony (vo): Oh, there's no Watchers anymore, right. That must've taken place sometime in that whole apocalypse thingm huh? Maybe we oughta explain that at some point. It only radically changed every fundamental aspect of the setting we were familiar with and completely altered every character's personality and relationships with one another. I'm sure they'll get right on that. Okay, so bottom line. Now everyone's looking for the Source, that all important thingy we're only bringing up six movies into the series. It's such bullshit. Joe: Methos and others don't think it's bullshit! They're looking for the Source. Spoony (vo): They all start heading to a monastery called the Brotherhood of Pain. Yeah, these must be the guys who made this movie. (the woman from before is shown) Including this lady who was summoned by...God? The Elder: Seek the Source. Spoony (vo): (Imitating James Earl Jones) This is CNN. (normal) If you hadn't guessed, this is Anna, the special guest love of Duncan's life. Anna: Can't Mrs. MacLeod be nervous? Spoony (vo): Wait, so they got married? What about Faith from Endgame? Did she die? I don't think so, cause the end of that movie--what kind of manwhore is Duncan anyway? What is it with these movies repeatedly blindsiding us with the great true romances of Duncan's life. He's never even mentioned or thought about her until now. Eventually Anna leaves him because she wants a child. You know, these tragic romances might have some emotional resonance if you fucking established them before making them the focal point of the entire plot! You only had, oh, I don't know, a six year television run to do that? (Clips of the opening to Highlander: The Raven are shown) Yeah, what about Amanda? That's an idea! A-doy! Okay, so eventually they all get to this monastery which, judging from the landscape, is in Mordor. I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say I don't believe this place really exists. But apparently, you can take a cab straight to it. And what incredible luck, they all left from different areas all over the world and arrive here by car within seconds of one another. Duncan: This is different. (Methos rides in on a motorcycle, wearing a helmet) Spoony (vo): Why does Methos need a helmet? I don't know. So anyway they go and see the Elder of the monastery who's--(noticing how fat he is) Okay now seriously? This movie is just fucking with me at this point. *sigh* Film Brain goes outside to stand guard with Joe and suddenly, he experiences that funny prickling sensation immortals get when they sense another immortal approaching. Funny how nobody felt that earlier in front of the monastery when Methos arrived. Instead of alerting the others, he walks out there alone to confront the Guardian. This seems unwise. (The Guardian is seen speeding along the perimeter of the monastery) Joe: Man that's one fast bird. Reggie: You stay here. I can take care of this. Spoony (vo): Um, yeah, no you can't. You're gonna die. A lot. Elder: There are worse things than death. Duncan: Apparently. Spoony (vo): (disgusted) Oh, oh! I don't wanna be this close to his giant wrinkled ballsack! For God's sake, man, close your robe! Gaaah! Meanwhile Jabba the Hutt is telling them the story how he led a group of immortals long ago to find the Source. (Noticing the scene has a red filter on it) On...Mars? Where the fuck are they? (The young Elder has been stabbed by the previous Guardian while his friend fights him) Elder: My friend fought valiantly. But I wanted my immortality. (As the young Elder reaches the Source, his friend kills the previous Guardian, making them go through the Quickening) Something went terribly wrong. It left us both cursed. Me like this. And he, (his friend is revealed to be the current Guardian) doomed to take his place as the Guardian. Spoony (vo): So what you're telling me is that the Source has a sense of humor. The Guardian gets super speed and turned the Elder into a 900 lb. talking testicle. (Back to Reggie confronting the Guardian) Guardian: Love graveyards? I love them. I mean, who wants to live forever? (now singing) Who wants to live forever? Spoony: (outright shocked!) What the fuck is with this guy? I mean, he's supposed to be the ancient unkillable Guardian of the Source. The ultimate evil, the greatest threat the immortals in the world have ever faced. And he's some mugging chucklehead who croons Queen showtunes. I mean, I'm sorry. Everytime something stupid happens in this movie, all I can do is cut back here and do this. (and he makes another shocked face) But it's like the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life every twenty goddamn seconds. What else is there to say about this shit but what the fuck!? Giovanni: This is blasphemy! Elder: IT IS TRUUUUUTH!! Spoony: (face up to the camera) THIS...IS...SPARTA! Elder: As you get closer to the Source, you will grow weaker and lose your immortality. Spoony: Uh, why? Shouldn't they get stronger as they get closer to the Source of immortality? How much more could they possibly alienate Highlander fans at this point? Spoony (vo): We've only changed the settings, the characters, and now we've changed the entire premise of the movie since the immortals aren't immortal anymore. Why are they looking for the Source anyway? If approaching it makes them vulnerable, shouldn't they want to run away from the Source as fast and as far as possible? (Reggie is now shown in a one-sided fight against the Guardian) Meanwhile, Reggie's, ahem, got the Guardian well in hand. No need to call for help. (The Guardian is choking Reggie) Guardian: There can be only one! Joe: Maybe, but they weren't talking about you. (he then takes a shotgun out and cocks it, ejecting an unfired shell) Spoony (vo): Check it out. Joe just racked a perfectly unfired shell out of his shotgun. He might've been able to use it too. Duncan arrives just in time to save him and hurls his katana into the guy's throat, which he just breaks off and rams into Joe. (The Guardian speeds off after killing Joe with Duncan's broken katana) Guardian: Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience. Good night! Spoony (vo): (imitating the Guardian) I could easily kill you now because you're completely unarmed, but that's it for me, I'm outta here. (normal voice) And well you have it. The Guardian breaks Duncan's signature katana weapon. There is now officially nothing left of the iconic Highlander series. It's dead. (a clip of the final battle is shown with Duncan using two daggers as his weapons) Duncan goes swinging ten inch knives he finds somewhere? And Joe? One of the most endearing and proactive characters of the series? He's dead, too. Killed by a guy who completely disregards the rule against fighting on holy ground with no repercussions whatsoever. Duncan: I thought you were about to do something. Spoony (vo): So Methos squats down, doesn't inspect the wound, and just kind of walks away. God, that takes a pantload, bro. Anyway, the Elder tells Anna she has the gift of prophecy and can sense where the Source is somewhere on an island. But this sub-plot is rendered entirely pointless when Film Brain figures it out on his own using his laptop. It's just great when the movie somehow manages to render its own character superfluous. So they get on a boat. Very fortunate I think to find a friendly sea captain willing to give five armed weirdos with no money a lift. Duncan: We need to dock. Captain: Impossible. There are maniacs on that island. Cannibals. They must have seized the port. Spoony (vo): So in the intervening time between the end of the TV series and now, the world has come under real threat by roving armies of cannibals? Spoony: You ever get the feeling we just missed a way more interesting movie just before this one? Spoony (vo): So in another scene I bet you'd never see, the heroes do battle with a pack of cannibals. (The immortals are now fighting the cannibal gang. A clip from Anchorman showing Brick throwing a trident at another guy is shown, repeated by Duncan throwing a pipe through a charging truck's windshield, killing the driver and making him crash, which also makes it explode. At that point, music comes on, but it's another band singing Princes of the Universe) Singer: (spoken) So here we are. Born to be kings (sung) We're the princes of the universe. (The group walks from the fight looking like badasses. Spoony is just disgusted, mouthing "what the fuck is this shit?" After listening to the song more, Spoony reels back in horror at what he's seeing and hearing.) Spoony: Jesus! This is just unholy! Did they make a list of everything iconic about Highlander? Everything the fans know and love about the series, and then set out to make a movie systematically destroying everything and making a mockery out of all of it!? Not only were they content to destroy Highlander, but they had to kill Queen, too!? FREDDIE MERCURY IS SPINNING IN HIS FUCKING GRAVE RIGHT NOW!! Highlander 2 never reached this level of abject fuckness!! Spoony (vo): Oh my god those fucking knives! Those pussy things don't even look like swords. They look like he's about to serve you pie. The heroes hole up somewhere for the night and lay down an impenetrable security net. There's no way the Guardian could possibly weak link--(Reggie is drinking alcohol while guarding the hideout) Oh, shit. You know, maybe putting the worst swordsman in the group alone, outside, (the Guardian sneaks up behind Reggie) and drinking whiskey while being menaced by an ancient, mythical Guardian, who has demonstrated super strength and speed on every occasion you've seen him, wasn't the best idea. (The Guardian then uses his speed to slice Reggie to pieces. The Mortal Kombat Fatality music is played. One Reggie drops to the ground, Shao Khan yells Fatality) Giovanni: Why didn't he take his head? Methos: Why didn't we know he was here? Spoony (vo): They decide to hit the road to get away from the Guardian, but to their surprise, Reggie dies from his wounds instead of regenerating because remember, they're losing their immortality. Duncan: It's happening. Giovanni: He didn't heal because his faith wasn't pure. Spoony: Oh shit, for fucksake. Is it even worth pointing out in how many ways that statement is stupid? (Connor fighting the Kurgan is shown) How many evil immortals have roamed the earth in this series? (General Katana is shown) How many non-Catholic immortals who he's well aware of? (picture of Methos from the show) Hell, he's rolling with Methos, who is literally one of the Four Horsemen of the fucking Apocalypse. Dude's a walking holocaust. (picture of Giovanni) This character is so cliché and one dimensional it reads like something a fourteen-year old would write in his fanfiction. Then he senses the Guardian approaching and this moments after Methos comments that they couldn't. So can they fucking sense him or not? Duncan: One thing's for sure. If we can be killed, so can the Guardian. Spoony (vo): Well it's an interesting theory except we've seen several times now the Guardian possesses all his speed from before, so uh, yeah. Duncan's an idiot. And you know, I just figured out why they wrote in the script they lost their immortality. Because they couldn't afford the pyrotechnics for anymore Quickenings in this piece of shit. Cause there are no more. Ironically they've all got bigger problems than the Guardian right now because the woods are chock full of more cannibals and they get captured again. For some reason, the cannibals still have all their horses which you'd think would be the first to go in a hunger crisis, but whatever. Cannibal leader: Take them! For meat! (the group is shot in the leg to knock them down) Spoony (vo): Ooh, dang, I just had an idea. If they were still immortal, they could cut pieces off and they'd grow right back and they'd have an endless supply of meat. Methos burgers for everyone. (The group is tied up in the cannibal camp) Giovanni: This can't be the end. God wouldn't let this happen to a true Christian. Spoony (vo): Yeah okay buddy, but uh, show me again in the Bible where it says "thou shalt bleach the everlasting shit out of thy hair and shape it into an extraordinarily gay mohawk." (noticing the wooden effigy in the camp) Oh crap, it's the Wicker Man! Not the bees! Arrgh! The Guardian shows up and like a classic Bond villain, kidnaps Anna and leaves the others to their fate instead of just killing them. Monsignor Mohawk had a knife hidden away in his crucifix though. A special order from the Vatican frockery catalog. Duncan: Giovanni... Giovanni: He has chosen me! There can be only one! (And Giovanni leaves Duncan and Methos hanging) Spoony: Did Methos just not sense this minor gibbering insanity character flaw in this guy before he decided to form his little Source hunter group? Spoony (vo): Naturally he gets caught by the cannibals who notice his giggling ass is missing almost immediately. This leaves Duncan in something in a predicament. And by predicament, I mean the easiest decision he's ever made in his life. Methos: Leave him. Duncan: Can't. Spoony (vo): Um, yeah, you fucking can. You really fucking can. Please leave him. So Duncan springs to the rescue and Giovanni...flees like a frightened chipmunk. Ha-douche! Well I'm sure much like Gollum in Lord of the Rings, I'm sure Duncan's kindheartedness will pay off in the end--(Giovanni gets his head sliced off by the Guardian) well there you have it. Methos suddenly just decides to leave because I guess the screenwriter couldn't think of anything else for him to do, I guess. Methos: I wanted it to be me, but...you are the best of us. (He then takes off on horseback to fight the cannibals) Spoony (vo): What, did he run out of lines so he's going home? Hey, here's an idea: why don't you help Duncan beat the unbeatable Guardian? Well whatever the Source is, I guess it's good it carved out those convenient steps for everyone. Oh, and by now, Jupiter and Saturn are closer than the moon! You know, it's a good thing that a secret alliance of immortals, a computer genius, a prophet, and an ancient secret order of monks were around or the astrologers of Earth would never be able to piece together this subtle series of clues to finding the secret location of the Source. Do you have any idea the global cataclysm that would occur if this many planets were close to Earth? You'd have hurricanes, catastrophic tsunamis, devastating tidal changes, not to mention a complete change in the solar system's center of mass, followed by apocalyptic shifts in the earth's orbit. (Clip of Ghostbusters) Ray: Rivers and seas boiling! Egon: Fourty years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes! Peter: Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria! Mayor: Enough! I get the point! (Duncan and the Guardian fight. Somehow Duncan has super speed able to match the Guardian) Spoony (vo): Alright, wait. When did Duncan get super speed? Could he always do that? I'm so confused. (noticing the effect on the shield keeping Duncan from Anna) Oh god, I've seen better special effects on my PS3 dashboard. This is like some horrible deleted scene from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. How did we get here, guys? Really? Cause I have no explanation for this. Spoony: This really shouldn't be complicated. I mean, the story is not all that complex. You wanna make a sequel to Highlander, (clip of Highlander 1) Watch Highlander, and then make something just like it! So now I'm just gonna show you how the fight ends. And, uh, I promise you ahead of time I didn't edit this. I didn't add any special effects, I did nothing to this footage. People were actually paid to create this. This aired on national television. This was sold in stores. Just... (The fight between Duncan and the Guardian is shown. Duncan gets a double punch to the Guardian, making him slide on his back. Yakkety Sax is added as the two continue to fight in super speed throughout. Eventually, Duncan spins around the Guardian so fast that he makes him drill himself into the ground. Duncan now has his knives pressed to the Guardian's throat) Guardian: Do it. Spoony (vo): Let's watch that again. Duncan spins around the guy so fast he actually drills himself into the ground until he's buried up to his shoulders. I'm almost convinced they stole the entire fight choreography from a battle between Bugs Bunny and Daffy fucking Duck! Guardian: Do it. Duncan: I am Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod. Who I am is who I was. Guardian: Do it, you immortal fuck! Duncan: No. Spoony (vo): But being a good guy, Duncan refuses to kill a helpless opponent, so the guy explodes. I really don't get any of this. (Clips of the movie play as Anna narrates) Anna: (narrating) There are some who do not believe the Source exists. But those who do believe have no idea what the Source truly is. Spoony: Neither do I! And I saw the fucking movie! Anna: (narrating) The most powerful force in the universe, but it cannot be used for evil. Only one immortal can reach the Source and pass its test. Only Duncan MacLeod was able to pass the test of the Source. Duncan: I'm done with this. Anna: (narrating) Because the test is not about strength. It's about purity of heart. Spoony: Fuck! You! Movie! Anna: (narrating) The immortals believed there could be only one. They'd all have to die for that one to remain. But it wasn't about death. It was about life. Spoony: (shaking his fist) Fuck you and die!!! Anna: (narrating) Duncan was the one to have a child. A gift from the Source to us. And the world. Spoony: NOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOO!!!! Not this way! You're telling me that this whole time, everything we've ever been told about fucking immortals, their fundamental reason for existing since the first fucking movie, the foundation for the entire series, fighting until only one remains, was always complete bullshit!? Duncan: There can be only one? The Source? It's all but a lie. Methos: Yeah, maybe it isn't. Maybe it was just a story we made up to make ourselves feel better at night. Spoony (vo): It's all just completely invalidated because it's all about being pure of heart! What bullshit! The Prize was never in danger of being captured by evil! It couldn't be captured by evil! All that fighting, all that struggle, every person that suffered and died was all for no reason!? Ramirez: In the end, there can be only one. Spoony (vo): Oh no no, I'm sorry, Ramirez. There can only be lots, but if you're a really really nice guy, you win the Prize. Turns out everything you told Connor MacLeod was wrong! Spoony: There can be only one--fuck you! Fuck you and your Care Bears mealymouth pure hearted dickshit! You mean to tell me you've been crushing my balls since 1991 to tell me that only thing Connor MacLeod needed to do to win the prize was give the Kurgan a big fucking hug? Fuck you!! (Clips of the animated Highlander series are shown) Spoony (vo): And what about the animated series? How will that purity of heart crap pan out for the Jettator? Oh that's right, they all fucking died! (picture of Darius from the TV series) What about Darius, the guy from the TV show who completely renounced and became a Franciscan monk (Duncan is shown screaming DARIUS!!) and served as Duncan's moral compass? Oh what, was Darius not fucking pure of heart enough? This is how Highlander ends. Not with a literal bang, but with that same atrocious, brutal, offensive, horrible, (a baby is shown in the background. The caption says "WTF a star child?!") torturing "Who Wants To Live Forever" as a final twist in the knife to the audience's heart! Spoony: (holding the dvd cover for The Source) This is how the series rewards our loyalty? This is a spit in the face of the entire fan base and a systematic raping of the series' core principles. This series stopped being recognizable as Highlander a long time ago, I admit that, but with this, it becomes the complete antithesis of the original movie that the fans knew and loved. It's not like the creators didn't just not get Highlander. Oh, they got it, but they have a burning, seething contempt for it and all it's fans. (A clip of Highlander 2 is shown) Spoony (vo): All the fans who came back to this series time and again. Enduring The Quickening, suffering through (clip of...) Endgame, watched (clip of...) that wretched fucking cartoon and played (clip of...) that horrible fucking video game. (Clip of the opening to Highlander: The Raven) And we even gave The fucking Raven spinoff a chance. And it was all a waste of time. And the Prize is just the ability to have a fucking child? The intro of this movie asks if the Source exists to bring salvation or death when in reality, it does neither. It only exists so Duncan can pork some vacant eyed bimbo so she can fart out a baby. Fuck-a-doodle-doo. Oh that makes it all worth it. Spoony: (holding the dvd again) This movie did more damage to my childhood than (now holding a dvd of...) The Phantom fucking Menace! It's not only the worst movie of the series, it's damn near one of the worst, offensive, piss poor movies ever made, and it can kiss my ass! (he then smacks The Source away with Star Wars) Fuck you, too! (he then punches the Star Wars dvd away. He then picks up the Highlander 2 dvd) Highlander 2: The Quickening? How about a good Highlander 2 dick kickening? (And the scene where Blake's nuts get crushed by Katana is shown) And you! (he's pointing to the Atari Jaguar CD that has the game on it, getting up from his chair) Oh, don't think I forgot about you, motherfucker! (he takes out his Gunblade) There can be only one! (he then proceeds to slice it's "head" off, then raises his arms and screams out, expecting a Quickening. It doesn't happen, so he tries again. After that, he just leaves) Fuck. (We now come to the credits, the music being Pat the NES Punk singing a karaoke version of Queen's "The Show Must Go On") (We now replay the clip of Duncan meeting the Guardian) Guardian: This is the end of time! (After an awkward silence, Duncan asks the question) Duncan: What are you? Guardian: I'm the Guardian.